Hell hath no fury like a nurse scorned

Good evening ladies, 

I am a 2 year nurse ER nurse and I, along with 3 million other nurses in the US, were quite offended by your 36 second bit criticizing Miss Colorado Kelley Johnson's monologue.

You started off by saying, in a condescending tone, that she "Came out in a nursing uniform." Our jobs are not made to be sexy. We do not come to work every day wearing expensive clothes that show off our tasty bits. We wear something practical, because in one shift we might need to perform CPR, wipe urine off the floor, and place an IV while security is making sure our patient doesn't bite us. Our uniform is practical not fashionable.

You then said that Kelley, "got up there and basically read her emails out loud." What Miss Colarado did was get up on stage, in front of millions, and shared a very personal story. A story where she was personally affected by a patient. If you ask any nurse what our job is like or what's "the coolest thing you've ever seen??" we will immediately spout off 10 stories to entertain and gross you out. However, we all have that one story that we won't tell. Something that affected us on a deeper level. The patient that we cried over, the one that got to us. The patient that we will remember for the rest of our lives. For most of us, we keep this story deep inside, we don't talk about it, we certainly don't email about it. Kelley Johnson had the guts to stand up and share with the entire country, and is ridiculed for such. 

Next, let's talk about "Why does she have a doctor's stethoscope on?" First let me say that I love my doctors. I work with the most brilliant people I have ever met, and if me, or my family, was sick I would trust my life in their hands. But here's the thing. The first people you interact with when you get inside the hospital are the nursing staff. The people that are in your room, literally HOURLY, are the nurses. The people that are atune to minor changes in your lung sounds, heart sounds, and bowel sounds, are these nurses. Things we hear with our stethoscope that can literally mean life or death.

The last thing stated was "She deals with Alzheimer's patients, which I swear, is not funny, but google it if you can." Miss Colorado 2015 is an Intensive Care Unit nurse. She doesn't just 'deal with' Alzheimer's patients. She deals with patients that are literally, teetering on the brink of death. It is her job to work with the critical care team to keep your family member alive. Her patients are getting discharged home because of her efforts. And whether you believe it or not, she is affected every time a patient gets discharged to Jesus. 

I wish I could say "just wait until one of these gals gets sick and see what happens" but those of us in this profession know how it would go. No matter how much these ladies have offended us, we would still give them extra heated blankets, we would advocate for them when they were in pain, we would give them an extra packet of graham crackers, and we would greet them each time we see them with a smile. 

As nurses, we treat everyone equally. The hospital CEO to the convict, to the celebrity that says that she doesn't view you as a professional, everyone gets a compassionate nurse to tuck them in and make sure they stay alive overnight.

-K

How does Bane eat?

Because we're medical, such things spark great debate. Here are some of the twitter theories, along with added commentary...

1. Through a straw
This is very plausible. Protein shakes filled with nutrients to keep him going, and a straw to fit through the holes in the mask. 

2. PEG Tube
Nursing home patients come in through the ED CONSTANTLY for dislodged tubes, Bane would be in and out of the hospital or doctors office for issues with the tube. A mickey tube would be a valid option but they are even more complicated when they dislodge, requiring a more complicated replacement procedure.  Besides, his armor is pretty tight fitting and with the amount of physical exertion he does, this would not be a comfortable option.He could have some sort of metal stomach with a welded opening that hides conspicuously into his armor? I feel like this is a stretch.

3. TPN
He obviously doesn't have a PICC, we could argue that he has a port, however there is NO WAY this is the answer. TPN could not sustain Bane's gains. Next.

4.  Rectal Feeds
Interesting unorthodox point. Nutrient rich enemas TID??

5. NGT/Dobhoff feedings
 This might work as well, although that a lot of supplies to carry around to keep placing an NG tube on himself. Plus it would be near impossible to thread the tube through the mask, into the nostril and get it to the stomach without it looping back around and coming out the mask again. Besides, if hes going to be drinking through a straw to assist with placement, just forgo the whole thing and go back to the protein shake deal.

6. Snorting protein powder
I mean I guess he really doesn't need his nose for anything right? So errosion and nose bleeds wouldn't be an issue? But is it possible to remove enough of the mask to allow snorting in one nostril whilst still connected elsewhere?

Other Bane Issues:
-What happens when he has a tummy ache and vomits? Does he aspirate? Is this now septic Bane?
-How do we then intubate septic aspirational pneumonia Bane? Would we have to move right to a cric?
-How do we document on the oral care flowsheet? I'm not aware of a checkbox marked "N/A d/t large metal facial apparatus"

If anyone can add anymore insight, it would be greatly appreciated.

-K

PS. Special shout out to Rella for being a major contributor to this intellectual discussion that proved to be far more interesting than my CEN studying.